I’ve been thinking about this thing again and I’m not sure I can post it anywhere else. I’m not sure I even can talk about it - not because I’m shy ir uncomfortable, but the topic is so elusive, I can barely find the words while writing. In real-life talking it would just be reduced to “ahhm” and “ahhh, well, this”
More and more often I find myself wanting to annihilate some of my relationships with people.
Not because the people are bad, or we don’t get along. No. Most of the people who know me actually like me - I’m this nice person who always tries to make you feel better, if you manage to catch me online.
But because those relationships… aren’t perfect. You know what they say, “Every friendships needs compromises”? I absolutely despise this phrase. It’s the opposite of what I feel - true friendship doesn’t require compromises. True friend would accept you as you are, and more then that - they would be sincerely happy that you are existing.
This is also why I fear having different opinions so much - most of the time it’s conflict, the thing not to talk about, the thing to compromise with. For the longest time I believed that having different opinions without that feeling is impossible. I was wrong. It is possible. But it is one of the rarest thing ever.
So, every time there’s a pause in conversation, or a tiny little thing that I found irritating in other person - I have this thoughts of running away from them. Because the relationship is not ideal. It’s not perfect friendship.
So why waste your time on it?
And then there’s a thousand little voices in my head - they didn’t do anything wrong, they don’t deserve being dumped like that„you have no right to do that, your moral code is against it.
And then I end up slowly talking to them less and less while searching for new people.
And then the circle begins again - I would be very friendly, gather their trust systematically, until they would consider me one of their most trusted friends, until I would know their thoughts inside out, until I would basically feel them… only to have this thoughts of totally abandoning them in the end.
Not ideal friendships end or mutate to that abomination of relationship where you are only speaking because WE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG OHHH. So better end it by myself.
Better leave other people then be left alone, am I right?
I don’t even feel bad about any of this. I accepted that this is who I am long ago. Just a person whose deepest fear is to be left alone.
But I am ending up alone if I’m pushing all those people who like me aside?
This is like the love stories - is acceptable man who wants to be with you better then the love of your love that you dreamed about for so long?
My moral code is kind of fucked up.
I need more porn.